At least, I assume I do.
After all, I am the only person I know who is blocked on Twitter by both
Meaning I am equipositioned perfectly between the Left and the Right.
This means I must be a Centrist.
As Centrist, I am by definition always right about everything: perfectly Reasonable in my pronouncements, Serious in my analysis and every vagrant thought skittering through my head at any given moment (Squirrel!) occupies a point on the ideological spectrum 100% congruent to what every "real Murrican" believes.
And since I can now speak Seriously, Reasonably and with categorical certainty about what every "real Murrican" believes, this entitles me to my own column in a major American newspaper.
That's not just my opinion.